Risk and evaluations

What two of the risk assessors wrote and then what some of the other people have written.

 Risk assessor No 1

With regard to Mr W, while he has a past history of aggression, impulsivity and alcohol abuse, these problems appear to have been resolved. He has also shown improvements in his perspective taking ability and empathic concern for others. He has also softened and become less rigid in his attitudes towards childcare and situations in which children transgress rules and boundaries. In particular, he no longer appears to accept the use of physical punishment as a way of dealing with a child’s misbehaviour. With regard to his general parenting abilities, Mr W has the capacity to emotionally attach to children and such attachments, as well as the ability to empathise, are both inhibitors of aggression. He enjoys a stable marriage, good relations with the people with whom he lives (his parents in law), and has good recreational and social networks which help inoculate against stress.

Has Mr W’s personality profile changed since the last assessment/Is he more able to control his aggressive impulsive tendencies?

As described in the body of this report, Mr W’s personality profile has changed as he has matured and received treatment and he no longer exhibits the aggressive and impulsive tendencies which characterized his previous presentation.”

 A risk assessor wrote: October 2016

Therapeutic approaches based on Duluth domestic violence education programs for men are often recommended for male perpetrators of domestic violence. The Duluth model is an educational approach that is programme centred, challenging, confrontational and rigid. These programmes are based on an educational approach in which the perpetrator will often suppress their abusive behaviours during treatment. (Jewel and Wormith 2010)

Meta-analytic studies of Duluth type educational approaches have consistently found that domestic violence education programmes for men that are based on Duluth pro-feminist model result in no long-term reduction in intimate partner violence (Slabber 2012)

Approaches that appear to have more positive outcomes to the Duluth model  identify individual criminal criminogenic risk factors, target dynamic need and risk factors, target multiple needs, promote behavioural change and develop social and communication skills. More therapeutic approaches are client centred, empathic, engage the client, are responsive  to a client’s needs, and result in a reduction of IPV.

The research literature clearly indicates that an effective approach for male perpetrators of IPV is to provide therapeutic treatment that focuses on the perpetrator’s own traumatic history and other individual difficulties (Vlais, 2014)

It has been found that courses involving more than 36 hours of education and therapy do not have any better outcomes than courses involving less than 36 hours of intervention work (Paulin, 2014)

The group based course offered by Temper does address IPV issues and a number of local authorities refer clients to the organisation. A client was concerned that Cafcass had informed him that the course run by Temper is not a recognised course for domestic violence perpetrators. I would assume that this reflects that the course run by Temper is not accredited by RESPECT — a self appointed organisation in the UK that accredits domestic violence perpetrator programmes that are primarily based upon The Duluth model.

One client’s direct comparison between his experience of Temper and the DVIP – which was the first RESPECT accredited programme – those were the programmes which were required  by Cafcass until their decommissioning  in June 2022. 

TEMPER Domestic Violence – highlights an example of learning taken from TEMPER

A male participant’s written answer to a Social Services question which highlights his negative experience being treated as a male stereotype by DVIP and his recognition of himself as an individual by TEMPER and much of the learning he was able to take from the programme. DVIP was the first programme to be accredited by RESPECT.

(This man has shared his written answer with us to a question posed by Social Services. It is printed below. He used his wife’s name consistently throughout but it has been replaced by “My wife” to maintain confidentiality, he also named his son whose name has been changed for the same reason.)

The following is an attempt to better answer the question of how the current domestic violence course with TEMPER is helping me redress my behaviours and make me accountable for my actions. The question put to me during the network conference in February was ‘How is this course making you more accountable for your behaviour?’ I found it very hard to answer this question succinctly at the time principally because:  At the time I was only half-way through the course with another weekend to go so immediately I felt I was being asked to give results on a process that was not yet complete.

 The depth and intensive nature of the course means that I am still processing and assimilating the experiences and the learnings about myself and how these can help affect my behaviour towards “my wife”.  Following on from this, these learnings and experiences were in my case so intensely personal and powerful/painful that I did not feel comfortable talking about them to a group, most of whom I had either never met or who I knew would be ‘professionally unsympathetic’ (DVIP). (I will say more about the nature of my experience later.)  I have already moved out and am living separately from “my wife” and I am aware that the ‘acid test’ of any course or programme will be when/if we are actually living together again.

 The question came to me in response to my earlier criticism of DVIP which was that it effectively deals in accountability only and does not engage in helping men change but rather washes their hands of the eventual outcomes of their programmes. The current Temper course deals primarily in helping men understand and ultimately change their behaviour so being asked to describe how it makes me accountable seemed a strange question given I felt I had just said that accountability isn’t the only, or I would say, main issue.  Lastly I was already feeling anxious and defensive due to my feeling ‘put on the spot’ and being in a cramped room with what felt like a fairly hostile audience.

In order to try and answer the question as best I can now I would say the following:

Weekend 1  The nature of the TEMPER course is to go deeper beyond behaviour to the emotions and emotional reactions that are driving the behaviour. In this sense I can say TEMPER makes us accountable for the emotions/emotional reactions which are driving the violent/abusive behaviour.  They achieve this by a number of paired exercises designed to uncover where our tendencies are strongest within the context of a relationship. (What I understand is called ‘Attachment Theory’ amongst professionals in this area.) These exercises all focus on formative experiences growing up within our own families. I have seen very clearly for example how I am acting out with “my wife” grievances and emotional damage/anger that is in fact a function of my deep anger and sense of betrayal that I feel towards my mother and how she exposed me to the violent abuse of my step-father. I have seen how easily I feel threatened by others and how often I react with suspicion and hostility.  At the same time we are learning through the paired exercises to listen actively to someone else whilst also being able to ‘read’ our own inner emotional register or dialogue. We also learned to avoid ‘yes-no’ style arguments and instead how to recognise and support the feelings and point of view of our partners. I can honestly say I have already felt the benefit of this with “my wife”.

 In addition some of these paired exercises make us act out our abusive behaviours. I learnt in these how quickly I can resort to aggression and intimidation in an argument but also how totally powerless and defeated I am/feel when I am doing this. This was a real learning for me: that my aggression and anger guarantees my defeat in any argument and how I cannot get through to/connect with someone by means of ‘full frontal attacks’. It only makes people put up even higher walls.  It should be stressed that although the course is therapeutic by nature and one feels thoroughly supported throughout it is not therapy as such and certainly it is a long way from ‘tea and sympathy’. Rather I experienced it as a direct assault on all the barriers and defenses I have put up to my inner world and emotional drivers. It is intensely challenging/draining to have your emotional self or psychological make-up stripped bare and put out for the scrutiny of a group.

 The climax of this came in the middle of the second day in one exercise where the facilitators acted out a mum and dad Christmas scene and argument. I totally broke down at this point as I ceased to react as ‘me’ – the participant in an exercise- and was simply transported back to my childhood with my step father and his violence/arguments with my mother. I acted out from I don’t know what – my emotional core I guess? – it was a surreal/unsettling/powerful experience to be unable to create any distance between the fiction of the exercise and the reality of my response. I was ultimately reduced to a sobbing wreck torn between trying to defend my ‘mother’ and at the same time hating her for bringing my ‘step father’ into my life.  Ultimately what I did in this exercise was ‘hit bottom’. I realised that at my core I basically feel empty, sad and broken inside. My hostility and distrust and suspicion toward others (especially my partner i.e. “my wife”) is a defense to make sure that no one can see that I actually feel broken inside. 

So where does this leave me with regards to being accountable for my behaviour? The honest answer is I don’t know what I do with this. However what I am extremely hopeful about is that I have been searching for this kind of break through for almost 10 years of counselling, 7 years of the AA 12 step program and whilst these things helped and I even talked about the same childhood experiences NOTHING UNTIL NOW HAS BROKEN THROUGH TO FORCE ME TO ADMIT JUST HOW THESE EXPERIENCES HAVE AFFECTED ME AND CONTINUE TO HAUNT ME. THIS I FEEL IS HIGHLY SIGNIFCANT AND HOPEFUL. I HAVE STRUCK AT THE ROOT OF MY TENDENCY TOWARDS HOSTILITY, ANGER AND ULTIMATELY ABUSE AND VIOLENCE.

 Does this excuse my behaviour to “my wife”? No, absolutely not. The reality is though that I have never been violent in a relationship (or anywhere else for that matter) prior to “my wife” and more specifically prior to the arrival of M.. It seems obvious to me that the arrival of M. has just turned me upside down emotionally and thrown up all these issues from my past. I don’t think this is an uncommon phenomenon but certainly my past seems to be a particular can of worms. This is why I described in my assessment interviews this awareness that ‘something snapped’ when M. was born. 

Weekend 2 The second weekend picks up on the discoveries of the previous month and starts by reacquainting us with what we discovered to be our core tendencies and emotional patterns. Very quickly however we move on to the real focus of the second weekend:our current relationship and the violence or abuse that we have put into it.  We each describe to each other and to the group a particular incident of violence that we committed; describing the build up to it and what happened and what the consequences were. We then take turns to act out our scenarios playing both  ourselves and then our partners in the same ‘script’. The facilitators then stop us at critical points to get us to recognise how we are feeling and what we are thinking. They also challenge us as to why we are doing what we are doing. This is a very powerful exercise in terms of facing our past actions but also inhabiting the view point of our partners and better understanding their reactions. (Crucially for me this meant recognising that “my wife” may not in fact be ignoring me but rather may be frightened by or unable to deal with my aggressive way of pursuing a particular issue or point doggedly.) It thus generates powerful empathy and additionally we can recognise aspects of our behaviour and relationships in the sequences of the other men in the group. Again the effect this had on me was to see how the problem lay not so much with “my wife” but with my approach to her. How I can make assumptions about her that are in fact cultural misunderstandings/ differences but also just what an upheaval having a baby has been for “my wife” and how she needs my support not my criticism, anger and frustration. For example I was stunned to discover how stupid I’ve been getting angry at how long “my wife” takes with her hair thinking she was just being selfish when in fact I knew she had been losing her hair since M. was born so clearly she is concerned about her appearance and struggling with the physical ‘fall out’ of giving birth. It’s so obvious when I look at it objectively with the help of others but I have been stuck in my own struggle and emotions and unable to recognise “my wife”’s point of view.  This exercise was done on Saturday afternoon with Sunday being given over to analysing these scenarios more and looking at how we could have acted differently. This way we could apply everything we had learnt to our previous actions. We also did a paired exercise teaching us how to constructively respond to insults or anger coming from our partners. This is by simple means of recognising and reflecting back what they have said to us.  We also spent time writing down all the different forms of abuse and violence that exist and that we have done ourselves. This was a very sobering exercise and forced me to understand “my wife’s” complaints about our financial arrangements.

 Finally we did an exercise where we symbolically burnt a list of those things we were ready to let go of and leave behind and also made a list to take with us of those things we know we need to work on and continue with. This was a realistic way of noting what has changed and what is work in progress. This for me means leaving aggressive confrontational and win-lose ways of dealing with “my wife” (and others) and also letting go of my anger towards my mother and blaming “my wife” for my emotional reactions or states of being. At the same time I have to find a way to manage and overcome my feelings of emptiness and despair. I have to manage and overcome my fear and anxiety of others especially women. This is not easy or a quick fix but I feel at least I can stop blaming or reacting to others from this insecurity and rather work towards making myself more comfortable and confident in myself. How does this compare with my experience with DVIP? 

 My own experience I feel highlights some crucial differences and concerns about DVIP.  In fact some of the work at DVIP did have a similar effect in terms of stirring up these issues of abuse and violence from my childhood. They (the facilitators) did some role plays or enactments to help us feel what the effect of violence or arguments might be on children.

 The crucial difference is that DVIP or rather the approach they follow is not interested in helping you process or deal with these experiences at all. For them any such critically damaging or formative experiences just mean ‘well, you can break the cycle. It doesn’t have to be like that for your kids,’ (This was actually said to me.)  This is a point of policy/dogma with DVIP/Duluth. Any damaging childhood experiences are not causative or relevant to the abuse/violence of the perpetrator (man). The ‘perpetrator’ decides to be abusive due to his need to have power and control over his partner which in turn is due to his inherent maleness and subscription to the male privileges of a patriarchal society. Anything pertaining to the psychopathology of the individual is merely incidental.

The effect and experience for me of this was that their exercises effectively just stirred up all the psychological baggage of my childhood experiences. I remember leaving their sessions being surprised and strangely grateful that they had stirred up all the abuse and tension and violence I experienced growing up. It was just ‘there’ right at the surface.  Crucially however DVIP simultaneously denied me of any means to deal with and process this. In fact it was barely acknowledged – a passing nod to a disturbing past – but don’t you dare play the victim or try to attach any significance or relevance to your own abuse and violence. Deal with it. Move on. You can make the change – it’s not about you anymore – it’s about your kids. That was very much the attitude taken by DVIP.

 This actually made sense at the time. Of course I want to move on. Of course I want to make sure I don’t repeat the abuse. BUT it’s right there – right at the surface now. Memories, feelings I haven’t experienced for over 30 years.  Looking back it is little wonder that my violence/abuse actually got worse during the time I attended DVIP. Knowing what I now know through my experience at TEMPER and seeing to the point of breakdown how these experiences affected me and formed my core in terms of relationships (to women especially) IT IS CLEAR DVIP STIRRED UP ALL THE THINGS THAT HAVE ERUPTED AS PARTNER ABUSE AND VIOLENCE YET SIMULTANEOUSLY DENIED ME ANY MEANS OF PROCESSING,  ACKNOWLEDGING OR COMING TO TERMS WITH THEM SO THAT I MIGHT STOP ACTING THEM OUT WITH “MY WIFE”. TO STIR IT UP AND JUST LEAVE IT THERE OR DENY IT SEEMS TO ME A VERY DANGEROUS COURSE OF ACTION.  This is the great benefit of Temper. They do not think my past in any way justifies or excuses, or even totally explains why I am abusive or violent. But by acknowledging and supporting you and forcing you to see the real impact of those past experiences, they engender and encourage a genuine desire to let them go and to act from a more helpful, less hostile, less defensive footing.  Another crucial difference with Temper is that despite my asking on several occasions to work through real examples of my own abuse and violence toward “my wife” I did not partake in any such exercise in the whole 7 months of attending DVIP. Further, only on two occasions did I witness anyone acting out or working through examples from their own situation. (I did however do two written pieces describing an incident from my relationship.) With Temper ,on the other hand, I spent the best part of a whole weekend directly working on, analysing and role playing violence I had done. As I have said this work is very powerful and illuminating generating strong empathy for “my wife” and forcing me to face my actions and understand not just their impact and genesis but also how they can be avoided in the future. I also witnessed and helped all the other men in my group do the same. I think it no exaggeration to say that ,in this way, I spent vastly more time being made accountable for my behaviour in one weekend with Temper than I did in seven months with DVIP, who kept promising me opportunities to work on things I was bringing to their ‘check in’ each week, but never actually followed this up.

 It is also worth pointing out that with Temper these role plays are done after we have gained significant understanding of our own emotional tendencies and weak points so the facilitators have gained my trust by acknowledging my make-up before confronting me with the very serious reality of my behaviour. They are thus able to build on our understanding of ourselves to see how this is directly played out in instances of abuse and violence. DVIP on the other hand neither show any interest in our emotional/personal/psychological make up, seeing us simply as blanket ‘perpetrators’, and nor in my experience did they feel it worthwhile to actively work through and analyse real examples of my own abuse or violence, even when these were requested by me.  I think that a final point of difference between DVIP and Temper is the level of personal engagement on the part of those running the courses and organisations T he DVIP experience combined last minute cancellations, numerous unannounced changes in facilitators (8 different facilitators in multiple different combinations) and a boss who, having arranged a one on one with me in the critical days after I hit “my wife” for the first time, not only did not show up but failed to offer any explanation as to what had prevented him from doing so. This is the same boss who having made the referral to Child Protection Services simply turned his back and walked away as I calmly and simply requested more information on what this meant and what it would entail. David Eggins of Temper travelled from Northampton to London by car, on a Sunday, to meet with me for two hours to discuss my suitability for his course. He offered to find me accommodation in with a former participant in Northampton to ease the burden on my finances. Both he, and Denise his colleague, have supported throughout and have left the door open for further support down the line. To put it in terms that everyone can understand it was the difference between a negligent, jaded incompetent teacher with no respect for their pupils (DVIP) and teachers who are passionate and committed about enabling their pupils to develop and grow (Temper).

One facilitator at DVIP said the best thing about her job, what really made it worthwhile for her, was picking men up on and forcing them to stop referring to a woman as a ‘girl’, as in ‘I know this girl…’ David and Denise at Temper did not tell us what they love about their work (they were too busy doing it) but experience tells me it is bound to be a good deal more profound and impactful. This is not to say that everyone at DVIP is terrible but rather that their doctrinaire approach seems to engender a degree of contempt and authoritarianism towards the men in their groups – a feeling that they are in the business of making a point rather than making a difference – more interested in giving perpetrators a ‘working over’ rather than a ‘working out’. As such it is little wonder that men drop out of DVIP courses and like myself are seeking out approaches like Temper to help them make the changes they want to make.

(He has also gone on and explored the phenomena he experienced in the work and has

arrived at a name for it.)

Mr A   (attended in London)

The program changed my life I Learned to really look deeply at myself I Recognised
Things in my Behaviour that was controlling which I didn’t understand before. I also understand that I need to talk openly about my behaviour and now I do believe I have changed all thanks to the time spent with these groups many thanks.  Thanks will never enough for what you gave me.

Mr B (Attended in London)

Yes all is so great I’m sober 2 years, have a new Partner been back to college, now I’m a Personal trainer. I don’t see children but been in contact and they know I’m always there for them and even my ex.  It’s more than i had thought would be again all thanks to you.

Mr C   (Attended in London)

“I’m 38. 2 years into court proceedings and 4 months after being “found” a perpetrator of domestic abuse for having broken a window by accident 10 years ago, and getting angry during arguments with my ex-wife, I was at the bottom. I got in touch with Temper! as I was trying to show Cafcass my goodwill and before they recommended a Respect accredited course. Not only did it do the trick with Cafcass, the course helped me understand and accept my feelings of betrayal, loneliness and unfairness towards my ex and the court system. It really boosted my self confidence, made me love myself again and helped me to adopt a productive attitude towards the proceedings, ie. stop crying unfairness and fighting the findings and instead, display insights as to what consequences violent parental conflict has on children. I have been able to maintain if not improve my wonderful relationship with my 3 children aged 12, 11 and 4 since the separation. My supervision requirement has been lifted and I am hopeful, with Temper’s inputs into the proceedings, to get something close to 50-50 at my final hearing later this year.”

Mr D (Attended in Birmingham)

“Dealing with domestic abuse allegations when trying to secure a meaningful role in one’s children’s lives is awful. I had been diagnosed as depressed when I got in touch with Temper! and the course set me back on track. I was finally listened to and understood. The course is fundamentally human and warm and supports self driven progress towards a calmer and gentler attitude. I am a better person. My relationship with my children is stronger and warmer. I am forever grateful.”

Mrs E   (telephone support was the first and only permitted case)

I first contacted David at a very difficult and distressing period of my life. I felt alone, lost and scared. I had been physically abusing my husband , who understandably had ‘had enough’.

I had contacted other organisations previously for help, but had felt judged and even more alone following my conversations with them.

Throughout my first contact with David I felt at ease.  He was kind, calm and listened carefully to my very complex story. I didn’t feel judged and he made it clear to me he was willing to talk and help, which made me feel able to open up to him, fully and honestly whilst feeling safe.

As our discussions progressed and throughout them David gave me many insightful things to think about. He never condoned my past behaviours but he did help me to navigate through and understand why I had been behaving so destructively. He helped me to sift through the chaos and provided many strategies and alternative responses that I could use in difficult situations. His ability to listen, understand and help me reflect on what had been happening was excellent. It has helped me enormously to turn things around.  To have the confidence to ask, albeit in a different way for my needs to be met, but very importantly, how to respond when they are not met.

I feel very lucky to have had the help and support from David. His knowledge and experience is vast,  also his willingness to ‘be there’ have all helped  But most of all his warmth and sensitivity alongside his sense of humour and his humanity have done something for me that I will always be grateful for.  I have now got back myself and my dignity!

Thank you!

Testimonial address redacted

Name Christopher (attended in Northampton) Age 33Occupation Installations Manager.

Re Temper Course

To sum up the type of person I was prior to attending the Temper course would be very easy for me as my actions and feelings had been with me for most of my life prior to attending. Angry, confused, Frustrated, Quick Tempered, Insecure, Aggressive, Confrontational, Unconfident, Unmotivated, with an Overwhelming feeling of Repression, and a constant Abuser of people in general.

After years of abuse suffered at the hands of my mother and various step fathers I became a very aggressive person in the fact I had a temper that I just could not control, coupled with a blatant disregard for other people or their feelings, added to this I had no fear for my own safety or for the safety of others. Having no roll models and no guidance I had no real way of knowing how to conduct myself in day-to-day society without being aggressive or confrontational, I was a real time bomb waiting to explode and heading downward fast.

After a confrontation with my wife a friend to my wife suggested I get help and passed contact details for David and Denise at the Temper course, the state of mind I was in was that no one and nothing could ever help me so why bother. My wife got in touch with David and asked if he would call me and have a chat, this was the first step forwards I had made one of which would start the many steps forward I have taken since. David’s voice was one that didn’t blame or judge just offered friendly advice and an opportunity to attend the Temper course no false promises no pressure I agreed to attend the course and booked my place. Not knowing how to react when arriving at the course I put up a front and became anxious, I was met by David at the door and welcomed in with an understanding voice he made me feel at ease and reassured me that things would be alright, maybe I thought this was where I would find some answers to why I acted the way I had done for years, this is not a feeling I could ever remember having before ever.

The course was held over two weekends and had a number of different aspects to it some of which

were completely alien to me and I thought would have nothing to do with the way I was, how wrong can you be.

Everything was explained and the level of support we were given was spot on. During the course my confidence built and I had made friends for the first in years the feelings of loneliness and insecurity were leaving me renewed with a passion for becoming someone likable and approachable a friendlier person. The level of attention to detail and support we were given was exactly the right amount and given at the right time.

After the course I felt a different person, with everything in life that you have to change, you have to believe you want to change, and without the support of David and Denise, that would not have been possible for me.

I am now a confident person, have a better understanding of the way I used to act and why I acted in that way. I have more confidence than I have ever had, and even now think about the implications of my actions before I act, helping me to act in the right way.

As I have said before, I was on a downward path to nowhere, until I attended the Temper Course. I now have a very different outlook on life, even when times are very hard. I find the help, support, understanding, and the hard work that David and Denise put in to the course is absolutely vital a can only recommend them both with the highest regard it is more than a worthy course it is essential and should not become part of the sentence that reads “there used to be this course that helped people like you” “if only it was still around” my view is that it certainly helped everyone that came over the two weekends that I attended and that is has been the major turning point in my life had I not been given that opportunity to attend I would have most defiantly been serving a prison sentence at who’s or what cost I shudder to think.

I believe that if more people living lives of aggression, and confused hate had an opportunity as I did domestic crime would fall as a result, that is more than a good enough reason for Temper to carry on as long as ever needed.

To end I would like to take this opportunity to thank David and Denise with all my heart, I now have more success in things I do because of the positives I see, I no longer look at the negative side other than to see how to change it to a positive, I have more friends than I have ever had and I know that people make their own minds up and don’t have to be forced into things and generally I’m liked by people, for the person I always wanted to become.

Thank you.

Christopher Redacted

Testimonials: Phil Redacted    Attended in Luton

Hi David, Sorry to hear about your funding problem, as I know only to well from experience the good your courses do. Even though l`m now devorced, l have managed to control myself and not fly off the handle with people, no matter how much l get prevoked. I now understand that other people are entitled to thier point of view, which makes life easier to bare for me. The courses you run will do more good than,the hostles do the women after the fact. Well your busy so let me just say thank you again for the help and support you gave me,I`m sure that if you keep plugging away the people who need to will listen and give you the support you need.

A calmer more thoughtful Phil

Stuart Redacted (Attended in Norwich)

Hi Denise,

12 months on and doing good on the temper front. It hasn’t been easy but hey, we knew that, many

thanks to you and david, 2003.

Kevin:  (Attended in Norwich)

I’d like to say thank you, we are now expecting a baby in April.

Testimonial DAW

Andy 1    (Attended in Coventry)

This is not the easiest thing to start a conversation for well not for someone who like me 3 years ago had no confidence that is. I (Andy) before I came to Temper grew up with a very violent pass, statistics will tell you that someone growing up like I was is not going to change they will carry on drinking fighting being nasty to everyone including there partner. I was on a down hill slope in my mid 20’s I fought 3 and a half years had fought with Social Service to keep my children from child number One through to our final one who was taken into care. I fought them all the way and lost a lot in the poses, I had had about 4 psychology reports done by the end and all kept saying that I had a severe personality disorder, to me this meant nothing. If this was a problem please help me so that I can move on and have a family. But this help never came, this came down to the normal answer in this day and age we live and that is funding. After leaving social services behind I went through a low state, drained, not knowing why and what had happened to me as a person. Who had I become. There was no self confidence in me. I could not stand to be around people I was snappy and put everything and everybody down. Things finally came to a head when I and my partner (C )went on our first true holiday and from start to finish it was a disaster. We argued I was grump, moody, argumentative. The holiday was ruined. I had then seen in the mirror what I had become. It was then that I need to find help or I would lose the last thing left in my life, my partner and I was not going to let that happen. Finding help is the hardest part, it is not just pick up the phone book and there we go.

I tried everything every avenue I was getting no were and then there it was this group called Temper. This looks the one it had the things I needed I think at the time so I called. The person on the end of the phone is David a very kind and caring person on the phone somebody who even when speaking to he makes you feel welcome.

I explained what the problem was and that I wanted to sort out my problem to find out who the real me was and to make changes. He said that he could help and that there was a group work going to happen in Coventry and that I could come along to that. I took this chance to change and go and see if I could sort my life out for the better. I was not sure if this was going to work and I was scared at the prospect of doing this counselling for anger.

I have arrived at the center at Coventry this was for a weekend work and more to follow. When I arrived I met with other people there who through some way or another had there life dominated by Violence. I was scared at telling these people about me and my life and why I was there. David and Denise lay down so ground rule’s like calling partner by there name and to change seats when you returned to the seats.

The first day is the hardest for anyone who whishes to do this some of the task’s were mad like being blind folded and being guided by someone else. This has all to do with trust. Then we looked at different aspects of our life’s and each others through sitting in pair’s. This is not the easiest thing to do explain things to a stranger to be honest that is who they are. But it helps knowing that you are all the same and to participate in this will help because you would see the flip side of the coin. The first day was tiring to say the least on my drive home by brain was spinning all sorts of things were coming to mind on what we had talked about that day. The thought of doing another day was hard work but it had to be done I told myself this over and over again. The talks in the middle of this were help full we look at anger ,fear ,hate, love all the opposites it has been sometime so remerging everything we did and talked about is still hard. I did how ever get the one thing I wanted from this therapy and that was to tell me who I was. I was not this monster that had been created through life and there was one person who could change all

that and that was me.

These changes were not instant but were over time. In that following year 2001 and into 2002 I change. I went on Holiday to Europe for the first time and it was the best holiday I had I joined a Rollercoaster Club of Great Briton which was a big thing for me as this meant socializing with people. I treated my partner with more respect and treated her as a person and not an object.

If it was not for groups like this Then I do not believe I would have change as a person. Now to top it off I have achieved the ultimate goal and that is to have a baby boy and to prove to all the skeptics out there I have changed and to finally bring him home so Clare and I can finally be a Family with a child.

The thing is though is that there is not another place’s like these around the country and with out funding then these will disappear, If funding was given to these places then people like social service’s who need resources like this could use this facilities for other people with anger problem’s to help them achieve there goal of having a family.

My final word on all this is that over the years I have felt like I was written off as a bloke and that is not fair. The Psychologist through his last words 5 years ago wrote me off as a parent and lost me my last 2 children. Through temper and my self I have over come all of this to prove that there is a change in everyone if they only had the help that is out there. If I can do it then anyone can all you need is confidence in your self and to have the help of groups like temper which is under £500 for 2 weekends. My assessment with the psychologist cost Social Services £2100 for 2 sessions which was just for a report for the social services. Temper would be the cheapest way of getting a report and assessment done at the same time.

Dr A  wrote  (Attended in London)

Dear David,

You came across as genuinely compassionate and caring from the first contact with you on email.  I must admit that i was sceptical, however, after the first weekend I knew that you were one of the special people God chooses to help people. Thank you for your insights, your care, love, your energy and for giving your time to me. I hope that some day, one day I am as good at my job as you are at your vocation.

May God bless you with good health & happiness.

With love & respect,

Dr A.

Mrs M

Hi I loved your service soooooooo very much i think of the benefits gained from it on daily basis. I really do. Nobody is like you and Denise your work is simply outstanding

with love and bestest wishes, x

Son and Mum: The son: I attended the Temper programme in May 2022 and the programme has helped me to understand what domestic violence is, how it may begin, who perpetrates abuse, and how to identify it when it starts happening. This course outlined the impact that domestic violence and abuse has on victims.  I’ve learnt the dynamics of domestic violence which can be control, coercion, threats, intimidation, emotional abuse,  isolation, aggression, violence and denying blame. I have learnt how to develop an auto-biographical memory by learning new skills and changing my behaviour by regulating my emotions and learning how to control myself from being impulsive by responding to situations in a reasonable manner rather than just reacting in an unpleasant impulsive manner.  I have learnt that my previous behaviour was caused by my emotions and impulsiveness.

This programme has really helped me, my life has changed for the better, I have a great relationship with my family and friends. My mother and brother have told me how much I have changed for the better.

Thank you for all the work you’ve done with me I really do appreciate it.

Date:   02.05 2023

Name: RB

I am RB’s mother and I just wanted to say that anybody who is struggling with their emotions I would highly recommend they attend TEMPER! My son has really changed for the better and since RB did the programme myself and his younger brother have a great relationship ever than before.

Thank you David


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